Flashback Friday-a day late
I know I’m a day late on this, so I’m not sure what it’s called. If I was early it would be Throwback Thursday. But this is Saturday, so not sure what the alliteration would be.
Despite that, I need this. This is me. Right before I ran my first full marathon. Less than three months ago. In perhaps the best shape I have ever been in in my adult life.
Now, in the matter of three months, I have managed to completely self-sabotage myself. I have been going into a tailspin with my eating.
In this picture, I looked great and I felt the same (both physically and mentally).
Now, at 20 pounds higher, although those close to me say they can’t tell, I don’t feel that I look good. When I sit I feel the fat rolls that had virtually disappeared. I am pouring myself into pants that were falling off of my body a mere few months ago. I am not happy with what I am doing to myself. But, what do I do, I continue the cycle of eating more and more.
I never thought I had disordered eating. I thought I just liked the way food tasted. Now, I realize that I eat for other reasons.
I eat food at home because of boredom. The same at work. It’s what I do when I don’t know what else to do with myself.
I eat out of comfort. It feels good to get an ice cream in the summer. It feels good to go out to eat with my family.
If done occasionally, this is okay. But lately, it’s been multiple times a day. In that matter of minutes, I ate 300 calories out of my pantry closet yesterday. Not because I was hungry, but because I had a few minutes to spare and just wanted something. Spoiler alert: I never found it. I brought my daughter to ice cream yesterday afternoon. And then I got dessert at night, with ice cream! And then I almost caved when my husband mentioned DQ (he didn’t get dessert). I suggested we go out to eat last night even though we had already gone out to eat two nights prior. Many weeks we are going out 2, 3, or 4 nights a week.
I’m not going to sit here and say I don’t know why I am gaining all of this weight. Clearly I know why. I just don’t know what changed in my mindset to make me do it even though I know it’s wrong and knowing there will be consequences.
I can’t make grand statements saying I’m not going to eat ice cream or I will never go out to eat. But, I will say this, I will try to make today better than yesterday. And if I can string those together, I may see that person from my not so distant past in my not so distant future.